One of my more unfortunate qualities is that I hate confrontation with every fiber of my being. I have an unhealthy desire to make sure that everyone around me is happy, even when that means compromising on my beliefs. For instance, I remember once, in second grade, there was a girl in my class who no one liked. One day, I was sitting with my friends and they were talking about how annoying this girl was. Personally, I thought she was nice, but I was too terrified to speak up. In fact, one of my friends said “Raise your hand if you like [blank]” and I was so afraid of losing their friendship that I kept my hand down.

I remember telling my mom what had happened, and she told me that I should never, ever let what my friends chose dictate my values or how I treated other people. It was a lesson that has stuck with me throughout the years. This week, I felt a twinge of guilt as I learned more about the Supreme Court decision that legalized same-sex marriage and learned about the importance of advocating for my beliefs regarding this important issue.

I thought about the many times I have retreated into the background as soon as words like “marriage” or “gender” are brought up among my social groups. At the same time, I also thought about the many people I love who are gay or lesbian. “How”, I thought, “can I advocate for marriage between a man and a woman and still treat my friends with the unconditional love they deserve?”

As I thought about this dilemma and read a summary of the Supreme Court’s decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, several ideas came to mind. These are suggestions for advocating for one’s beliefs regarding any issue involving the family, but because of the subject matter I am currently studying, most of it will relate to same-sex marriage.

1. When you disagree with someone on a tense subject, begin with compassion. It can be easy to forget that this person, no matter how wrong you believe they are, is still worthy of respect. Remember that this person is not the issue. They may have an opinion about the issue, but they aren’t the ones to blame for the current situation. They, like you, are just taking a stand for something they believe in, which is admirable in itself.

2. Figure out what YOU stand for. Do the research and the preparation necessary to know what you believe. For instance, this week I read a 103-page summary of the Supreme Court’s ruling regarding same-sex marriage. After reading this, I feel much more prepared to defend my position.

3. Understand that although our religious beliefs are near and dear to us, in debates regarding issues such as this, it might be more helpful to include fact-based evidence. For instance, in the summary I read, I learned that of the 9 justices involved in this decision, four of them disagreed with making same-sex marriage legal for reasons that didn’t involve religion at ALL.

One major reason was that the dissenting justices believed this decision should be made by the people of the US through the democratic process, not through five unelected judges. Another reason was that this decision warped the definition of marriage in a way that could leave room for further interpretation. For instance, if marriage no longer must be between one man and one woman, who is to say that marriage can’t be between two men and one woman or vice vera? (Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States.)

4. Be brave. Families are so important. They are worth fighting for. In the words of President Russell M. Nelson:

“Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage. We cannot yield. History is not our judge. A secular society is not our judge. God is our judge! For each of us, Judgment Day will be held in God’s own way and time. The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel” (Nelson, Russell M. (2014, Aug. 14). Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham Young University Commencement.).

I’d like to end with a video that I found particularly helpful when I thought about this.

I am the kind of person who has many fears. My list includes spiders (actually anything with more than four legs), the deep sea, and more philosophical concepts like failure or being alone. As I have studied the current trends surrounding marriage and family, I’ve thought of another fear for my list: the fear that my children will grow up in a world where traditional families will be the exception rather than the rule.

Sadly, there was a time where I was a part of this trend. After my parents divorced, I decided that marriage simply wasn’t worth the risk. Sadly, it seems that many people feel the same way these days. They choose not to marry out of fear, out of a desire to really “live” their lives before settling down, or because they believe cohabitation is the better route. As a result, marriage rates are decreasing, along with fertility rates. At the same time, divorce rates have plateaued, but they plateaued at a pretty high spot- around 50% (State of Our Unions, 2012).

It’s something I’ve watched among loved ones and friends. For instance, my dad’s parents divorced when he (the oldest child) was fourteen. Then, my own parents divorced when I (the oldest child) was fourteen. I can still remember the cracks in the foundation of my little life that formed when my dad moved out for the last time. Just this year, I watched as a family in my ward went through the same painful process. Their children, who ranged from three to six, could barely comprehend what was happening.

As the family deteriorates, everyone is victimized, but I would like to focus on the victims who have the least amount of control: children.

Researcher Paul Amato detailed the severe emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual effects that divorce, birth out of wedlock, or living in a volatile home environment can have on children. Frankly, any negative thing you can think of, from future teen pregnancy or depression, can result from tumultuous families in childhood (2005). As the product of divorce, I can attest to the fact that a broken home often leads to children with broken hearts.

Obviously, the trends rampant in our world today are a bit scary. However, I’m not really into the idea of adding yet another fear onto my already overflowing list. This begs the question: What can I (or we) do to protect our children and help create positive changes? I think there is hope!

Spencer W. Kimball said that “only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families” (1980). I took two main things from this statement. First, preserving the family is going to take hard work and action. It won’t be easy, but it is possible. Secondly, I must deepen my belief in the sanctity and importance of the family.

In addition, there are decisions I must make now, before I get married or have children of my own. Today, right here, right now, is the time to decide that divorce will never be an option for me. This requires a reliance on Christ’s Atonement and the ability to forgive my spouse. When I choose a spouse, I need to do so prayerfully and carefully. For those who are already married, and may be struggling, follow the counsel of Dallin H Oaks. He said…

If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony.

Dallin H. Oaks (2007).

I know marriage is hard. It would seem that at times, the whole world is against us. It would be easier to give up and give in to our fears, our doubts, our pasts. However, we are beings with the ability to choose. We can choose marriage, family, and joy.