As a young woman, I had a leader who I really looked up to. In particular, I looked at her marriage as a prime example for what I wanted my future to look like. One day, I asked her what the secret was to her beautiful marriage.

“It’s simple,” she said. “Before we got married, I made a commitment that I would never say an unkind word about my husband to anyone, ever. If we got in a fight, and I was irritated, I promised myself that I would solve it with him. I wouldn’t call my mom or my sister or a friend to vent. I would just talk to the Lord and then talk to my husband.”

I thought this was a wonderful idea, and I promised myself that I would do the same when I got married. In particular, I think this is a wonderful strategy for dealing with the complexities that come with having in-laws. In this week’s reading by James Harper and Susanne Olsen, they give several other suggestions for successfully navigating in-law relationships.

First, the married couple should strive to develop their own identity that is seperate from their families of origin. In the reading, I was struck by this quote: “This requires married daughters to share more with their husbands than with their mothers” (Harper & Olsen, p. 2). Rather than talking through stresses with parents, issues regarding any potential stresses (such as finances or children) should be discussed primarily with one’s spouse.

Second, couples and extended family should avoid enmeshment. This means allowing the couple to be a separate unit. For example, if the couple doesn’t attend every family dinner, this shouldn’t be a point of contention or offence. Instead, strive for closeness. Parents can still give advice while maintaining appropriate boundaries.

Third, accept differences. When a child marries, their new spouse may be quite different from the rest of the family. For instance, my aunt’s husband is much more reserved than our family. During family reunions, he often withdraws to read or spend time on his own. We have all learned that he still loves us, but he needs that time to recuperate.

Fourth, parents should include the new spouses. My grandma does a wonderful job of this. In fact, my aunts and uncles often tease her because she “always sides with the in-laws”. I’m not saying that is the best strategy, but I do think she has the right idea when it comes to supporting the in-laws.

Fifth, the new couple should seek to understand the culture of both extended families. There may be major differences between the homes that husband and wife were raised in. It can help bond the couple to each other and to extended family. According to Bernard Poduska “Because of your upbringing in your particular family (your “family of origin”), certain rules guide you in your social roles, govern your interpersonal relationships, set limits on your behavior, and enable you to reasonably predict the behavior of others.”

I think that the key to any relationship, from the husband/wife bond to a relationship with inlaws, is kindness and compassion. I have noticed that in my life, my relationships are significantly improved when I choose to be kind. For instance, there was a time where I had a hot temper and a vicious tongue. I knew exactly what to say to hurt someone else. As I have worked on controlling my anger and speaking kindly, I have noticed that the people I love treat me better. Kindness blesses all relationships.

For instance, one of my favorite Bible stories is that of Ruth and Naomi. When Naomi’s son (who is Ruth’s husband) dies, Ruth chooses to remain with Naomi. Even though they aren’t related by blood, Ruth says “Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God” (Ruth 1:16).

Most of us won’t be required to sacrifice at that level for our in-laws, but we can do our best to follow Ruth’s example of love. I believe that because Ruth loved her deceased husband so much, she felt it was her responsibility to care for and love his mother as her own. We would do well to remember that our spouse’s parents are some of the most important people in their lives, and therefore deserve our respect.

When I was in third grade, my teacher decided to create a classroom simulation of the U.S. government. I was elected by the “president” to be a member of the Supreme Court. For half an hour each day, different members of our grade would bring us “cases”. These ranged from fights on the playground to punishments given by teachers. My fellow justices and I would talk together to reach a unanimous decision, which we then communicated to the rest of the grade.

That simple experience, while teaching me about government, also taught me quite a bit about the importance of unity. Regardless of our personal opinions and experiences, we had to reach a common verdict. Each of us had an equal voice and shared our opinions freely. However, no experience is a better teacher of unity and equality than the marriage relationship. According to M. Russell Ballard, “In this divinely sanctioned partnership, husbands and wives work together, each bring his or her unique contribution to the family” (1997, p. 56).

A wonderful example of this kind of unity is found in my own family tree. My grandparents are as different from one another as two people can be. He loves to exercises; she loves to sew. He loves adventures; she likes to stay home or take care of grandkids. However, despite these major differences, they are equal partners. They support each other in every decision. When my grandpa wants to go on a week long bike tour, my grandma joins him. When she wants to go visit the grandkids, he gladly fends for himself at home. As they engage in these little sacrifices, they grow closer together and more united.

We live in a divisive world where people cling desperately to their own opinions and ideals. Many individuals choose not to marry as a result of their individualistic ideas. “Why”, they might ask, “should I marry when it requires reconciling differences and sacrificing the things I want (like a career or my plans to travel the world)?” These situations beg the question: How can two totally different people become knit together as one and cleave together as “one flesh”? (Gen 2:24). The answer is simple. True unity requires the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

According to Henry B. Eyring in his talk “That We May Be One”, there are several essential elements to accessing the Savior’s Atonement and therefore becoming more unified.

First, we must allow our natures to be changed. This means forsaking our own selfish desires, and putting the gospel at the center of our lives. For our grandparents, that means faithfully serving together in the temple, praying together, and ministering to others. Their connection with others and with God also connects them.

Second, we should allow the Spirit into our hearts and our lives. One of the things I admire the most about my grandparents is their ability to spend time in quiet contemplation and thought. Without the worldly distractions of constant media, they are better able to feel the constant guidance of the Holy Ghost.

Thirdly, we need to forgive others. My grandparents bicker quite a bit (and it is hilarious). However, they forgive each other almost immediately. They don’t hold grudges. They have a sense of humor about their little arguments. This brings an atmosphere of unity and love into their marriage.

I am sure each of you can think of examples of married couples who are united together. In most cases, a love of God is a central element of that unity. I know that as we seek for unity with our spouse, we must also seek for unity with God.

Once upon a time, a beautiful young couple walked out of the doors of the temple. Their faces glowed as they shared their first kiss as a married couple. It seemed that eternal happiness was within their grasp. Together, they could face anything. Yet, as the days and months and years passed, they began to drift apart. He felt she had impossible expectations; she thought he was lazy, unmotivated, and selfish.

Eventually, he began to seek out comfort from worldly sources. At first, it seemed harmless- a couple glances at an inappropriate image or the occasional R-rated movie. However, it began to escalate to hours of watching pornography, visits to adult bookstores, and an emotional affair with a woman from work. For years, he hid his infidelity but the time came that he could no longer hide his addiction. The couple tried to hold their marriage together, but after a few years of painful separation, they divorced. Their “happily ever after” was lost.

I’ve often dreamed of a fairytale wedding, but I sometimes forget about the eternity that follows. Sadly, stories like the one I described above are all too common these days. Whether affairs are emotional, physical, or a combination of the two, any kind of unfaithfulness in marriage leads to deep wounds. In addition, easy access to pornography has also contributed to many separations and divorces.

President Spencer W. Kimball said “The Lord says in no uncertain terms: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22).And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. . . The words none else eliminate everyone and everything.”

Sometimes, I worry about marriage for this very reason. What if I fall for someone else? What if my spouse is unfaithful? How do I protect my marriage from the evils of pornography? The promises we make at marriage are so sacred, and it is terrifying to imagine breaking those promises.

I find comfort in the idea of SPIRITUAL FIDELITY. According to Kenneth W. Matheson, we must “recognize the eternal potential of our marital relationships as well as the importance of acting in accordance with the promptings of the Holy Ghost [and] . . . consider the sacred covenants we have made in the temple and how the very nature of our thoughts and deeds can undermine those covenants.” I believe that if we keep a focus on the covenants we make at marriage, emotional infidelity will never become an issue. Our covenants can continue to draw us closer to our spouse throughout our lives. The couple I discussed at the beginning began to falter because they forgot their covenants to each other.

It is also important to remember that sex is an essential part of a healthy marriage. Although affairs destroy marriages, sex between man and wife can bring them closer together, as well as foster love and affection. Although each individual may have different needs and desires when it comes to sex, they can learn to sacrifice for each other. As they do so, they become unified as a couple. They take part in a “sexual guardianship” according to Brent Barlow. They protect each other’s hearts.

Each of us has a wonderful gift called agency. We can make choices every day of our lives. One of the most important choices we make is who we marry. However, each day, we must continually make another important choice: to love our spouse above anyone else. If we do this, we will stay faithful to our spouse and feel love beyond our current comprehension.

One of my favorite depictions of a happy marriage comes from the movie Up. In the movie, Carl’s wife Ellie dreams of adventure and of finding the legendary Paradise Falls. Despite Carl’s more reserved temperament, he supports Ellie’s dream. In fact, after she dies, he makes it his life’s mission to complete the journey. Although fictional, their story exemplifies the love that can grow when spouses support each other in their dreams.

Each of us has dreams, whether big or small. According to John Gottman, “our deepest dreams are frequently rooted in childhood” (pg. 238). For example, my biggest dream is to become a mother. This dream began when, as a small child, I played with my dolls and dreamed about having a baby of my own. In fact, as a young girl, I was a mom for Halloween. I carried a wooden spoon, wore an apron, and an old-fashioned dress. My ideas about motherhood are a little less “1950s-esque” these days, but it is still my highest aspiration.

As husband and wife, it is essential that we support one another in our dreams. Although some dreams might be impossible, it is still essential that we respect our spouse and their hopes. So, I ask you, what is your “Paradise Falls?” What is your spouse’s greatest dream?

There are four important steps to understanding and respecting our spouse’s dream according to John Gottman.

1. Explore the dream: During this step, listen to your spouse with total charity. Regardless of how silly their dream might appear to you, discuss it with respect. Your acceptance of their dream shows your love for them.
2. Soothe yourself (and them): If the conversation gets a little tense, take a few moments to relax. Think about your spouse. In the beautiful words of Goddard, “Our partners will love us because we first love them. Love first. Don’t wait to be loved” (pg. 131).
3. Reach a temporary compromise: For example, my dad and stepmom budget every month. They have very different dreams about how they should spend their money. She enjoys spending a little extra to have a little more fun. He dreams about a solid future based on patterns of saving for retirement. They compromise on this by expanding the budget in some areas, but decreasing it in others. It is quite fun to watch them haggle over the budget with smiles and teasing.
4. Show gratitude: Thank your spouse for the specific things they do to make your life happier.

I would like to add a fifth step that came to my mind as I read the end of Goddard’s book. As a couple, bring your dreams to the altar of the Savior. Share your dreams and fears and hopes with Him. Then, together, listen for His direction. Align your dreams with His dreams for you and for your family. For, according to Goddard, “The Lord must be a partner if a relationship is to prosper. In fact He must be the ruling partner. There is no other way to have a vibrant relationship.”

As a teenager, I had a lot of anger inside of me. My family life was less than ideal, and the circumstances surrounding me seemed unfair and dark. Often, the painful emotions I felt erupted into harsh words, slammed doors, and contempt. My fuse was short, and my temper was hot. I was much like the “Anger” character portrayed in this short clip.

As a result of the guilt I feel regarding my previous behavior, I have gotten into a habit of avoiding anything that even resembles conflict. As soon as someone raises their voice or criticizes me, I start apologizing even when I don’t feel particularly sorry. Some of my relationships are a little hollow because there is so much I have left unsaid. I feel a constant need to be “agreeable”. I’ve convinced myself that even though avoiding conflict doesn’t really solve anything, it is at least better than the way I used to act. Subconsciously, I’ve developed the belief that if I engage in anything resembling conflict, I will totally lose it and fly off the handle. Here is the heart of the issue: the anger that hung around when I was a teen is still there. I still haven’t resolved that underlying issue.

However, I felt peace this week as I read “Agency and Anger” by Elder Lynn G. Robbins. He said “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” What a comforting truth! We aren’t victims of our emotions. As beings with a divine nature and a body, we have the power to control ourselves!

This concept made me think about a story my mom once told me about a friend from college. As a young boy, he once became so angry at his sister that he hit her and made her cry. As he watched, he realized that he had just deliberately caused someone pain. He was the cause of the tears on her face. From that day on, he committed to never lash out in anger towards his siblings again. He kept that commitment. This story is a powerful example to me of choosing not to be angry!

How is such a change of heart possible? Was it sheer willpower? Was it the influence of loving parents? Those factors may have contributed, but the real answer is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. According to James E. Faust, “if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us. The Lord requires us ‘to forgive all men’ for our own good because ‘hatred retards spiritual growth’. . . The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, and revenge.“

I have personally witnessed and felt the miracle of His atoning power. Someone in my life had really hurt me, in ways that felt irreparable and permanent. As I dwelt on the injustices I had been dealt, anger festered inside of me. Finally, I decided to pray for this anger to be removed. It took a long time (years, in fact), but eventually, the anger in my heart was replaced with love. I know this was miraculous because I know that I am far too weak on my own to have overcome this.

I think that forgiveness is an essential component to all relationships, but especially that sacred relationship between husband and wife. John Gottman echoed this sentiment when he said, “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. . . When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit. Bitterness is a heavy burden” (p. 159).

I have not been married, but I have felt the heavy weight of resentment and blame. I have seen how it tears families and individuals apart. I have watched as a precious loved one has let anger consume them for ten years. It is heartbreaking to watch. Yet, I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, forgiveness is possible. We aren’t commanded to avoid conflict, but we are commanded to forgive all men. Jesus Christ will help us as we earnestly seek to overcome the natural man.

My mother tells me that I am stubborn. I prefer to call myself determined and tenacious. Whichever word you use, I have a tendency to decide that I am right and stick to that resolve with everything that I have. For example, as a child, I hated mayonnaise with a passion. One day, my mother made me a sandwich with a thick layer of mayonnaise on it. I refused to eat even a bite, and she refused to let me leave the table until I had eaten it. I think I sat there for at least an hour before she gave up.

I’ve come to realize that if I take an unyielding stand on every issue (even small ones, like mayonnaise), I will undermine the important relationships in my life, from my friendships to the most important relationship on Earth: marriage. According to John Gottman, the happiest marriages are ones where both partners are willing to share power and accept each other’s influence.

Here is the harsh reality: The root of my stubbornness is pride. Essentially, my problem is that I believe I am right, while anyone who disagrees with me is wrong. According to Goddard, in marriages, this kind of pride manifests itself as “our own attunement to our own needs as the standard of judgment. Pride also includes the fact that we honestly believe that we understand our partners and what makes them tick. We presume to understand their thoughts, motives and intent better than even they themselves do” (p. 72).

This kind of thinking is essentially the opposite of empathy, which means stepping into someone else’s shoes in order to see where they are coming from. Pride, on the other hand, means picking up someone else’s shoe, throwing it in a lake, and saying “My shoes are better anyways!” It sounds silly when put like that, but then again, pride isn’t the smartest emotion to begin with!

To illustrate this point, let me tell you another story. One day, I was frustrated with my mother. I can’t even remember why at this point, but I know that I was CERTAIN I was right and she was wrong. To display my displeasure, I began to stomp down the stairs. On my way down, I stomped so vigorously that I tripped, fell down, and sprained my ankle. It was humiliating, and humbling. I realized that this scripture from Proverbs is really true!

I think I’ve established that pride is a destructive force, especially in marriages. However, that begs the question: What is the antidote for pride? The antidote for pride is humility! According to Spencer W. Kimball, there are several ways we can become more humble. I would like to take a moment to dissect some of his suggestions, and apply them to marriages.

1. Esteem our spouse as ourself, and lift them higher. It is important that we consider our spouse’s needs to be AS important, or even MORE important than our own needs.
2. Serve our spouse. We may feel that our spouse is not meeting our needs. For instance, perhaps a wife wants her husband to stop leaving his dirty clothes on the floor. Rather than pridefully accusing him of being a slob, she could seek to find ways to help him feel more loved first. I’m not saying she can’t tell him that she is frustrated, but before talking to him, she can work on serving him.
3. Forgive our spouse. Pride doesn’t like letting things go, especially when it has been hurt. It requires true humility to let things go instead of letting resentment foster.
4. Admit when we have done wrong. When I am feeling especially prideful, the last thing I want to do is say sorry. Often, that is the very best thing we can do!

We all have weaknesses, whether they are pride, stubbornness, or a combination of the two. However, as we seek to overcome these weaknesses, our relationships will benefit and so will we!

One of my favorite songs is an 80s ballad entitled “Total Eclipse of the Heart” sung by Bonnie Tyler. It has that perfect blend of drama, belting, crashing drums, angelic choirs, and (if you’ve seen the music video) big hair. The lyrics for the first verse read-

“Every now and then I get a little bit lonely
And you’re never coming ’round
(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by
(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around, bright eyes) every now and then I fall apart

You can interpret the lyrics in any way you want, but what I hear is a desperate, sad woman pleading for the person she loves to turn towards her. As I read this week about the importance of turning toward one another in marriage, I couldn’t help but think of this song. So how do we avoid “eclipses of the heart” in our marriages?

In one of my classes, we are learning about the importance of quality caregiving when babies are young. Essentially, this means that an infant’s needs are met promptly, consistently, and appropriately (meaning the response actually matches what they need). I am of the opinion that adults need that same quality of care in their marriages!

How do we do this? Adults are a little more complicated than babies- their needs generally go beyond a desire to be held, fed, or have their diaper changed. However, don’t be overwhelmed! Remember this scripture from Doctrine and Covenants 64:33.

Essentially, what we learn from this scripture is that it is the small, daily efforts that make a difference and can transform a marriage. According to John Gottman, as couples turn towards one another, they build mutual trust. By consistently responding to one another’s needs, they show that they value their marriage and that they are truly present. As I pondered this, I thought about the people I love and the little things we do for each other to show love and build trust. Just a warning, these are very random examples. They include:

• Calling each other on the phone daily (and always ending with an “I love you”). Frankly, the number of times a week I call my family is a little embarrassing. However, as they answer the phone and listen to me vent about my day, my need for connection is met.
• Reading books together. My dad and I are HUGE book nerds, and each month, we choose a book to read and discuss. As we talk about the things we loved, and the things we hated, we grow closer together.
• When my roommate or I am incredibly stressed with school, we will take a little break and go to the grocery store together. It is such a simple thing, but it gives us a moment to relax. And to buy chocolate and Diet Coke, which are therapeutic and essential.
• My cousin and I are both single, and a little bitter. About once a week, we have a venting session where we talk about how much we want to be dating. We complain together, we laugh together, and by the end, we both feel better.

What about those times when our spouse (or if you aren’t married, friends and family) seem to be turning away from us? What do we do when we feel alone, or like we are putting more effort into a relationship than the other person? Instead of singing an emotional ballad like “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, I have a few suggestions for these situations.

First, look for the things that you have the power to change. According to H. Goddard, “As we turn from the ways of the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity.” There have been so many times when I have felt that someone else is letting me down, only to realize after some pondering that I am the one letting them down.

Second, trust in the Savior and rely on Him. He is always there for us, even when we feel alone. Often, the times when I feel the most distance from other people are actually the times that I am the most distant from my Savior. This leaves me feeling empty, and looking for other people to fill the hole. They can’t, but Christ can. As David A. Bednar said, “I wonder if we ever learn to acknowledge our daily dependence upon the enabling power of the Atonement” (p. 62).

Third, search for shared meaning with the other person. One great way to do this is through connection rituals. For instance, my dad and step-mom go on a weekly date. Regardless of how hard the week has been, they can rely on that regular event to renew their marriage and add meaning.

The little things will add up. I’ve seen it in my own relationships and in my life in general. I wasn’t going to share this, but I feel that I should. During my high school years, my mom and I had a really difficult relationship for a variety of reasons. Eventually, I moved in with my dad and stayed with him until I left for college. It seemed to me that my mom and I would never, ever heal from the things that had been said and done during adolescence.

However, two years into college, I broke my hip. I couldn’t put weight on my hip for four months, and I had to leave school so that someone could help take care of me. I was not excited. In fact, I cried the whole 5 1/2 hours home. I knew this meant living with my mom, and I just couldn’t handle that. However, during those four months, our relationship totally changed. Each day, she sacrificed to meet my needs. She helped me do all the things I could no longer do by myself. Each time I asked for help, she turned towards me.

I did very little to help our relationship, but her efforts made all the difference. That experience was a testament to me that when someone chooses to sacrifice for another person, and consistently turn towards them, relationships can be transformed.

My dad absolutely loves the musical Les Misérables, so listening to that soundtrack is one of my first memories. I remember that as a little girl, my favorite song was “Castle on a Cloud”. In this song, a little orphan girl sings about her dream of escaping her dreary life and finding refuge in (you guessed it) a castle on a cloud. However, my castle on a cloud looked a little different from Cosette’s. I dreamed of a castle full of children and my imaginary husband named Dane (if you were wondering, he stuck around until I was about five and then skipped town).

These days, I’ve come to realize that building a castle takes quite a bit of work. To extend that metaphor a bit, marriages can’t be built or maintained on a foundation of thin air. No quote better encapsulates this principle than this statement made by C.S. Lewis.

Marriages require a steady flow of support from the heavens to weather the storms of life. However, God can’t reside in a house or even a castle where the inhabitants aren’t willing to put in the work as well. Through some research and study of my own, I have compiled a brief list of important principles for couples to incorporate into their marriage.

• Prayer: President Henry B. Eyring said that we should “pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion” (2009). Although I have not yet been married, I have felt the healing power that comes when I pray for those I love. Often, anger or resentment melts away when I choose to earnestly pray for their welfare. I can only imagine the strength that will come into a marriage if both spouses are praying for one another.
• Positivity: Look for the good in one another. Neither person is going to be perfect, so if we look for flaws, we will find them. However, if we train ourselves to look for the good, soon that will be our focus. As President Gordon B. Hinckley once said, “I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement” (p. 24). If followed, this counsel will help nourish the relationship.
• Knowledge: John Gottman talks extensively in his book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, about the importance of expanding our love maps. This means increasing our knowledge about our spouse. Throughout the marriage, we continue to learn about them. I have watched this principle work its magic firsthand through my dad and step-mom. From the beginning of their marriage, they made a priority of spending quality time together where they could learn about each other. Every Saturday for the last 4 and a half years, they have gone on a date. They have one of the happiest marriages I have seen, and I think their love maps play a role in that.

As I write these posts each week, I often think to myself that perhaps I am not the most qualified individual to be dishing out marriage advice. I have not yet been married, and my own parent’s marriage wasn’t exactly a great success. My castle on a cloud seems to be drifting farther away as the winds of life blow. Perhaps your life hasn’t quite turned out the way you planned either.

I don’t have all the answers to life’s problems, but I can say this. I know that your castle on a cloud matters very much to your Heavenly Father. Whether you believe in Him or not, He believes in you. I know that if you will strive to incorporate these principles into your life in the way you see fit, you will receive blessings from above. He knows you. He loves you. He will not withhold blessings from you that you righteously desire. So keep building your castle, brick by brick, and someday, you will see the benefits of your labor.

When I picture horsemen, I envision the Nazgûl. You know, the ones from the Lord of the Rings with no face and dark hoods and really sharp spears that they use to skewer poor Frodo like a kebab? If you don’t know what I am talking about, let me give you a little reminder.

Little did I know that the four horsemen I really need to be afraid of are the four horsemen that threaten marriages. This concept comes from a book by John M. Gottman called The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. You may recognize it from your parent’s bookshelf. At least, that’s where I first saw it- tucked away after they had received it as a wedding gift. Although it was written about twenty years ago, the principle of the four horsemen still hold true today. As a brief introduction, these horsemen are the unhealthy patterns of conflict that appear in many troubled marriages (or just troubled relationships in general). Let me outline them for you for a moment.

Criticism: When I first read this, I defensively thought, “Isn’t constructive criticism a good thing? We read that in Hebrews 12:6 that, ‘For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth’. So shouldn’t we be able to chasten our [insert desired individual here] because we love them?” However, I quickly realized that criticism, or at least the kind Dr. Gottman is talking about, is a much different beast. Criticism is harsh. It tears down instead of builds up. It attacks. If we constantly criticize our spouse, it will not only demean them, but it will tear at the fabric of our relationship.

Contempt: This horseman refers to disrespect and superiority. Dr. Gottman cites examples like eye-rolling, mockery, or name-calling (p. 34). I thought this Calvin and Hobbes comic strip perfectly illustrated this point.

Defensiveness: I think this is the horseman that I fight the most. When someone is frustrated with me, my natural instinct is to protect myself. I immediately decide not to listen to their point of view. Instead of listening, I try to defend myself. Somehow, this always leads to an escalation in the argument rather than peace.

For instance, my mother recently pointed out to me that I have a difficult time letting things go. I was deeply offended by this, and guess what? I didn’t let what she had said go! I tried to prove that I was a very chill person who never held onto things, rather than acknowledging that perhaps holding grudges is a character flaw of mine. It really was quite counter-productive.

Stonewalling: This is essentially the silent treatment. Instead of responding to the other person, the stonewaller doesn’t acknowledge that they are in a conversation. As the old adage says, talking to them is like talking to a brick wall. When someone does this in a conversation with me, it drives me crazy. I make the situation worse because I start to pester them, begging them to open back up. Generally, this makes them retreat farther back into their shell.

We can all agree that these horsemen are a bad sign, and we can also agree that we have all fallen prey to these mistakes from time to time. However, what is important is finding a way to break these habits and to encourage better communication. Here are several suggestions I discovered during my reading this week.

First, in H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, he says, ” I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person- to be born again- to be a new creature in Christ”. What a beautiful thought! As we strive to emulate our Savior, two important things happen. We develop a Christ-like character, which means we are less contentious and better listeners. Secondly, we invite the Spirit to be present, even in times of conflict. With the Spirit’s help, we can be guided to respond in a kinder way than we are first inclined.

Second, in an article on Dr. Gottman’s blog, Kyle Benson wrote that we should try to increase the amount of positive interactions we have with our spouse (“The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science” ) We can do this by expressing affection, showing interest in our spouse, demonstrating through our actions that they matter, complimenting them sincerely, empathizing, and apologizing.

Third, as I thought about what I had read, the word sacrifice kept coming to mind. Sometimes, in order to create harmony, we will need to give up our desires. No matter how right we think we are, I think it is important to pick our battles. I love this quote by President Monson.

I know that if we follow these tips, and use the Lord’s guidance, we can avoid getting skewered by the four horsemen.

When I was about thirteen, I discovered Pinterest. Wow, what a day that was! I quickly found the extensive “wedding” side of Pinterest, and I fell down the rabbit hole fast. That original board is still alive and well today. However, I realized recently that somewhere along the way, I started thinking a lot about my future wedding, and not so much about my future marriage. I was too focused on the white dress and the bouquets, and less focused on the fact that marriage means building a life together, just like Carl and Ellie did.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have the opportunity to be sealed with my future spouse for eternity! That means forever, and ever, amen. Someday, I will walk into a holy temple as a single individual, and emerge as a couple, united together and with God. This kind of marriage is important for two major reasons, according to Elder David A. Bednar.

1. “The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.
2. By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children.”

These two statements remind me of my great-grandpa and great-grandma. They met while my great-grandpa was on his mission in Switzerland, and began writing to each other. My great-grandma moved to the States, and happened to be living in my great-grandpa’s hometown.

The day my grandpa Jack returned home from his mission, his step-mom died in a car accident. His sisters told him that he needed to get married so that his dad could move in with him. Therefore, he and my grandma were married only five days after he came home!

Despite the abruptness of their marriage, I have never seen a more loving or happy couple. They truly completed and perfected each other. She had high anxiety; he was incredibly calm. He struggled to show affection to his children; she taught him how. As such, they created a happy, comfortable home where the gospel was paramount. All of their children, and most of their grandchildren, are active members of the Church and were married in the temple.

According to Elder Bruce C. Hafen, the kind of marriage I speak of is called a covenant marriage. In his talk, he mentioned several aspects of a covenant marriage that I would like to touch on.

• Couples in a covenant marriage work through troubles rather than giving up or giving in.
• They are bound to each other, to the community, and to God.
• They each give 100%.
• They promise to keep their covenants even though they do not know what risks may come.
• “They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other” (Hafen, p. 2).
• If they keep their covenants, they will have incomprehensible joy.

As I look over that list, a covenant marriage doesn’t sound particularly easy. In fact, it sounds like it will be pretty hard sometimes. However, the idea of incomprehensible joy with a spouse is exciting. I am reminded, in fact, of a beautiful video posted by my Church a few years ago.

That is what a covenant marriage looks like in action. I know it is attainable for each of us if we are willing to love selflessly and put the Lord first in our marriages. As for me, I plan on spending less time on Pinterest and more time bettering myself to prepare for my future marriage. To do this, I want to work on becoming more humble and more empathetic, more willing to sacrifice and more patient.

One of my more unfortunate qualities is that I hate confrontation with every fiber of my being. I have an unhealthy desire to make sure that everyone around me is happy, even when that means compromising on my beliefs. For instance, I remember once, in second grade, there was a girl in my class who no one liked. One day, I was sitting with my friends and they were talking about how annoying this girl was. Personally, I thought she was nice, but I was too terrified to speak up. In fact, one of my friends said “Raise your hand if you like [blank]” and I was so afraid of losing their friendship that I kept my hand down.

I remember telling my mom what had happened, and she told me that I should never, ever let what my friends chose dictate my values or how I treated other people. It was a lesson that has stuck with me throughout the years. This week, I felt a twinge of guilt as I learned more about the Supreme Court decision that legalized same-sex marriage and learned about the importance of advocating for my beliefs regarding this important issue.

I thought about the many times I have retreated into the background as soon as words like “marriage” or “gender” are brought up among my social groups. At the same time, I also thought about the many people I love who are gay or lesbian. “How”, I thought, “can I advocate for marriage between a man and a woman and still treat my friends with the unconditional love they deserve?”

As I thought about this dilemma and read a summary of the Supreme Court’s decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, several ideas came to mind. These are suggestions for advocating for one’s beliefs regarding any issue involving the family, but because of the subject matter I am currently studying, most of it will relate to same-sex marriage.

1. When you disagree with someone on a tense subject, begin with compassion. It can be easy to forget that this person, no matter how wrong you believe they are, is still worthy of respect. Remember that this person is not the issue. They may have an opinion about the issue, but they aren’t the ones to blame for the current situation. They, like you, are just taking a stand for something they believe in, which is admirable in itself.

2. Figure out what YOU stand for. Do the research and the preparation necessary to know what you believe. For instance, this week I read a 103-page summary of the Supreme Court’s ruling regarding same-sex marriage. After reading this, I feel much more prepared to defend my position.

3. Understand that although our religious beliefs are near and dear to us, in debates regarding issues such as this, it might be more helpful to include fact-based evidence. For instance, in the summary I read, I learned that of the 9 justices involved in this decision, four of them disagreed with making same-sex marriage legal for reasons that didn’t involve religion at ALL.

One major reason was that the dissenting justices believed this decision should be made by the people of the US through the democratic process, not through five unelected judges. Another reason was that this decision warped the definition of marriage in a way that could leave room for further interpretation. For instance, if marriage no longer must be between one man and one woman, who is to say that marriage can’t be between two men and one woman or vice vera? (Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States.)

4. Be brave. Families are so important. They are worth fighting for. In the words of President Russell M. Nelson:

“Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage. We cannot yield. History is not our judge. A secular society is not our judge. God is our judge! For each of us, Judgment Day will be held in God’s own way and time. The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel” (Nelson, Russell M. (2014, Aug. 14). Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham Young University Commencement.).

I’d like to end with a video that I found particularly helpful when I thought about this.

I am the kind of person who has many fears. My list includes spiders (actually anything with more than four legs), the deep sea, and more philosophical concepts like failure or being alone. As I have studied the current trends surrounding marriage and family, I’ve thought of another fear for my list: the fear that my children will grow up in a world where traditional families will be the exception rather than the rule.

Sadly, there was a time where I was a part of this trend. After my parents divorced, I decided that marriage simply wasn’t worth the risk. Sadly, it seems that many people feel the same way these days. They choose not to marry out of fear, out of a desire to really “live” their lives before settling down, or because they believe cohabitation is the better route. As a result, marriage rates are decreasing, along with fertility rates. At the same time, divorce rates have plateaued, but they plateaued at a pretty high spot- around 50% (State of Our Unions, 2012).

It’s something I’ve watched among loved ones and friends. For instance, my dad’s parents divorced when he (the oldest child) was fourteen. Then, my own parents divorced when I (the oldest child) was fourteen. I can still remember the cracks in the foundation of my little life that formed when my dad moved out for the last time. Just this year, I watched as a family in my ward went through the same painful process. Their children, who ranged from three to six, could barely comprehend what was happening.

As the family deteriorates, everyone is victimized, but I would like to focus on the victims who have the least amount of control: children.

Researcher Paul Amato detailed the severe emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual effects that divorce, birth out of wedlock, or living in a volatile home environment can have on children. Frankly, any negative thing you can think of, from future teen pregnancy or depression, can result from tumultuous families in childhood (2005). As the product of divorce, I can attest to the fact that a broken home often leads to children with broken hearts.

Obviously, the trends rampant in our world today are a bit scary. However, I’m not really into the idea of adding yet another fear onto my already overflowing list. This begs the question: What can I (or we) do to protect our children and help create positive changes? I think there is hope!

Spencer W. Kimball said that “only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families” (1980). I took two main things from this statement. First, preserving the family is going to take hard work and action. It won’t be easy, but it is possible. Secondly, I must deepen my belief in the sanctity and importance of the family.

In addition, there are decisions I must make now, before I get married or have children of my own. Today, right here, right now, is the time to decide that divorce will never be an option for me. This requires a reliance on Christ’s Atonement and the ability to forgive my spouse. When I choose a spouse, I need to do so prayerfully and carefully. For those who are already married, and may be struggling, follow the counsel of Dallin H Oaks. He said…

If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony.

Dallin H. Oaks (2007).

I know marriage is hard. It would seem that at times, the whole world is against us. It would be easier to give up and give in to our fears, our doubts, our pasts. However, we are beings with the ability to choose. We can choose marriage, family, and joy.