One of my favorite depictions of a happy marriage comes from the movie Up. In the movie, Carl’s wife Ellie dreams of adventure and of finding the legendary Paradise Falls. Despite Carl’s more reserved temperament, he supports Ellie’s dream. In fact, after she dies, he makes it his life’s mission to complete the journey. Although fictional, their story exemplifies the love that can grow when spouses support each other in their dreams.
Each of us has dreams, whether big or small. According to John Gottman, “our deepest dreams are frequently rooted in childhood” (pg. 238). For example, my biggest dream is to become a mother. This dream began when, as a small child, I played with my dolls and dreamed about having a baby of my own. In fact, as a young girl, I was a mom for Halloween. I carried a wooden spoon, wore an apron, and an old-fashioned dress. My ideas about motherhood are a little less “1950s-esque” these days, but it is still my highest aspiration.
As husband and wife, it is essential that we support one another in our dreams. Although some dreams might be impossible, it is still essential that we respect our spouse and their hopes. So, I ask you, what is your “Paradise Falls?” What is your spouse’s greatest dream?
There are four important steps to understanding and respecting our spouse’s dream according to John Gottman.
- Explore the dream: During this step, listen to your spouse with total charity. Regardless of how silly their dream might appear to you, discuss it with respect. Your acceptance of their dream shows your love for them.
- Soothe yourself (and them): If the conversation gets a little tense, take a few moments to relax. Think about your spouse. In the beautiful words of Goddard, “Our partners will love us because we first love them. Love first. Don’t wait to be loved” (pg. 131).
- Reach a temporary compromise: For example, my dad and stepmom budget every month. They have very different dreams about how they should spend their money. She enjoys spending a little extra to have a little more fun. He dreams about a solid future based on patterns of saving for retirement. They compromise on this by expanding the budget in some areas, but decreasing it in others. It is quite fun to watch them haggle over the budget with smiles and teasing.
- Show gratitude: Thank your spouse for the specific things they do to make your life happier.
I would like to add a fifth step that came to my mind as I read the end of Goddard’s book. As a couple, bring your dreams to the altar of the Savior. Share your dreams and fears and hopes with Him. Then, together, listen for His direction. Align your dreams with His dreams for you and for your family. For, according to Goddard, “The Lord must be a partner if a relationship is to prosper. In fact He must be the ruling partner. There is no other way to have a vibrant relationship.”
Eternity Means Forever 