As a teenager, I had a lot of anger inside of me. My family life was less than ideal, and the circumstances surrounding me seemed unfair and dark. Often, the painful emotions I felt erupted into harsh words, slammed doors, and contempt. My fuse was short, and my temper was hot. I was much like the “Anger” character portrayed in this short clip.
As a result of the guilt I feel regarding my previous behavior, I have gotten into a habit of avoiding anything that even resembles conflict. As soon as someone raises their voice or criticizes me, I start apologizing even when I don’t feel particularly sorry. Some of my relationships are a little hollow because there is so much I have left unsaid. I feel a constant need to be “agreeable”. I’ve convinced myself that even though avoiding conflict doesn’t really solve anything, it is at least better than the way I used to act. Subconsciously, I’ve developed the belief that if I engage in anything resembling conflict, I will totally lose it and fly off the handle. Here is the heart of the issue: the anger that hung around when I was a teen is still there. I still haven’t resolved that underlying issue.
However, I felt peace this week as I read “Agency and Anger” by Elder Lynn G. Robbins. He said “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” What a comforting truth! We aren’t victims of our emotions. As beings with a divine nature and a body, we have the power to control ourselves!
This concept made me think about a story my mom once told me about a friend from college. As a young boy, he once became so angry at his sister that he hit her and made her cry. As he watched, he realized that he had just deliberately caused someone pain. He was the cause of the tears on her face. From that day on, he committed to never lash out in anger towards his siblings again. He kept that commitment. This story is a powerful example to me of choosing not to be angry!
How is such a change of heart possible? Was it sheer willpower? Was it the influence of loving parents? Those factors may have contributed, but the real answer is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. According to James E. Faust, “if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us. The Lord requires us ‘to forgive all men’ for our own good because ‘hatred retards spiritual growth’. . . The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, and revenge.“
I have personally witnessed and felt the miracle of His atoning power. Someone in my life had really hurt me, in ways that felt irreparable and permanent. As I dwelt on the injustices I had been dealt, anger festered inside of me. Finally, I decided to pray for this anger to be removed. It took a long time (years, in fact), but eventually, the anger in my heart was replaced with love. I know this was miraculous because I know that I am far too weak on my own to have overcome this.
I think that forgiveness is an essential component to all relationships, but especially that sacred relationship between husband and wife. John Gottman echoed this sentiment when he said, “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. . . When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit. Bitterness is a heavy burden” (p. 159).
I have not been married, but I have felt the heavy weight of resentment and blame. I have seen how it tears families and individuals apart. I have watched as a precious loved one has let anger consume them for ten years. It is heartbreaking to watch. Yet, I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, forgiveness is possible. We aren’t commanded to avoid conflict, but we are commanded to forgive all men. Jesus Christ will help us as we earnestly seek to overcome the natural man.
Eternity Means Forever 