W08: Pride Cometh Before a Fall

My mother tells me that I am stubborn. I prefer to call myself determined and tenacious. Whichever word you use, I have a tendency to decide that I am right and stick to that resolve with everything that I have. For example, as a child, I hated mayonnaise with a passion. One day, my mother made me a sandwich with a thick layer of mayonnaise on it. I refused to eat even a bite, and she refused to let me leave the table until I had eaten it. I think I sat there for at least an hour before she gave up.

I’ve come to realize that if I take an unyielding stand on every issue (even small ones, like mayonnaise), I will undermine the important relationships in my life, from my friendships to the most important relationship on Earth: marriage. According to John Gottman, the happiest marriages are ones where both partners are willing to share power and accept each other’s influence.

Here is the harsh reality: The root of my stubbornness is pride. Essentially, my problem is that I believe I am right, while anyone who disagrees with me is wrong. According to Goddard, in marriages, this kind of pride manifests itself as “our own attunement to our own needs as the standard of judgment. Pride also includes the fact that we honestly believe that we understand our partners and what makes them tick. We presume to understand their thoughts, motives and intent better than even they themselves do” (p. 72).

This kind of thinking is essentially the opposite of empathy, which means stepping into someone else’s shoes in order to see where they are coming from. Pride, on the other hand, means picking up someone else’s shoe, throwing it in a lake, and saying “My shoes are better anyways!” It sounds silly when put like that, but then again, pride isn’t the smartest emotion to begin with!

To illustrate this point, let me tell you another story. One day, I was frustrated with my mother. I can’t even remember why at this point, but I know that I was CERTAIN I was right and she was wrong. To display my displeasure, I began to stomp down the stairs. On my way down, I stomped so vigorously that I tripped, fell down, and sprained my ankle. It was humiliating, and humbling. I realized that this scripture from Proverbs is really true!

I think I’ve established that pride is a destructive force, especially in marriages. However, that begs the question: What is the antidote for pride? The antidote for pride is humility! According to Spencer W. Kimball, there are several ways we can become more humble. I would like to take a moment to dissect some of his suggestions, and apply them to marriages.

1. Esteem our spouse as ourself, and lift them higher. It is important that we consider our spouse’s needs to be AS important, or even MORE important than our own needs.
2. Serve our spouse. We may feel that our spouse is not meeting our needs. For instance, perhaps a wife wants her husband to stop leaving his dirty clothes on the floor. Rather than pridefully accusing him of being a slob, she could seek to find ways to help him feel more loved first. I’m not saying she can’t tell him that she is frustrated, but before talking to him, she can work on serving him.
3. Forgive our spouse. Pride doesn’t like letting things go, especially when it has been hurt. It requires true humility to let things go instead of letting resentment foster.
4. Admit when we have done wrong. When I am feeling especially prideful, the last thing I want to do is say sorry. Often, that is the very best thing we can do!

We all have weaknesses, whether they are pride, stubbornness, or a combination of the two. However, as we seek to overcome these weaknesses, our relationships will benefit and so will we!