When I picture horsemen, I envision the Nazgûl. You know, the ones from the Lord of the Rings with no face and dark hoods and really sharp spears that they use to skewer poor Frodo like a kebab? If you don’t know what I am talking about, let me give you a little reminder.
Little did I know that the four horsemen I really need to be afraid of are the four horsemen that threaten marriages. This concept comes from a book by John M. Gottman called The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. You may recognize it from your parent’s bookshelf. At least, that’s where I first saw it- tucked away after they had received it as a wedding gift. Although it was written about twenty years ago, the principle of the four horsemen still hold true today. As a brief introduction, these horsemen are the unhealthy patterns of conflict that appear in many troubled marriages (or just troubled relationships in general). Let me outline them for you for a moment.
Criticism: When I first read this, I defensively thought, “Isn’t constructive criticism a good thing? We read that in Hebrews 12:6 that, ‘For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth’. So shouldn’t we be able to chasten our [insert desired individual here] because we love them?” However, I quickly realized that criticism, or at least the kind Dr. Gottman is talking about, is a much different beast. Criticism is harsh. It tears down instead of builds up. It attacks. If we constantly criticize our spouse, it will not only demean them, but it will tear at the fabric of our relationship.
Contempt: This horseman refers to disrespect and superiority. Dr. Gottman cites examples like eye-rolling, mockery, or name-calling (p. 34). I thought this Calvin and Hobbes comic strip perfectly illustrated this point.
Defensiveness: I think this is the horseman that I fight the most. When someone is frustrated with me, my natural instinct is to protect myself. I immediately decide not to listen to their point of view. Instead of listening, I try to defend myself. Somehow, this always leads to an escalation in the argument rather than peace.
For instance, my mother recently pointed out to me that I have a difficult time letting things go. I was deeply offended by this, and guess what? I didn’t let what she had said go! I tried to prove that I was a very chill person who never held onto things, rather than acknowledging that perhaps holding grudges is a character flaw of mine. It really was quite counter-productive.
Stonewalling: This is essentially the silent treatment. Instead of responding to the other person, the stonewaller doesn’t acknowledge that they are in a conversation. As the old adage says, talking to them is like talking to a brick wall. When someone does this in a conversation with me, it drives me crazy. I make the situation worse because I start to pester them, begging them to open back up. Generally, this makes them retreat farther back into their shell.
We can all agree that these horsemen are a bad sign, and we can also agree that we have all fallen prey to these mistakes from time to time. However, what is important is finding a way to break these habits and to encourage better communication. Here are several suggestions I discovered during my reading this week.
First, in H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, he says, ” I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person- to be born again- to be a new creature in Christ”. What a beautiful thought! As we strive to emulate our Savior, two important things happen. We develop a Christ-like character, which means we are less contentious and better listeners. Secondly, we invite the Spirit to be present, even in times of conflict. With the Spirit’s help, we can be guided to respond in a kinder way than we are first inclined.
Second, in an article on Dr. Gottman’s blog, Kyle Benson wrote that we should try to increase the amount of positive interactions we have with our spouse (“The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science” ) We can do this by expressing affection, showing interest in our spouse, demonstrating through our actions that they matter, complimenting them sincerely, empathizing, and apologizing.
Third, as I thought about what I had read, the word sacrifice kept coming to mind. Sometimes, in order to create harmony, we will need to give up our desires. No matter how right we think we are, I think it is important to pick our battles. I love this quote by President Monson.
I know that if we follow these tips, and use the Lord’s guidance, we can avoid getting skewered by the four horsemen.
Eternity Means Forever 